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How to Cope After Being Disowned by Your Parents

How to cope after being disowned by your parents

It is difficult to imagine a parent disowning their child, but it happens more often then we realize. Whether you are a minor or are already grown, there are some steps you can take to cope after being disowned by your parents.

Allow yourself to feel emotions after you have been disowned by your parents. You may want to bottle your emotions up inside, by this is not a good idea from a psychological viewpoint. You have feelings of betrayal, abandonment, sadness, and anger. It is perfectly normal to feel all of these emotions and you need to take time to let these feelings out.

There is no time limit to your grieving after being disowned by your parents. Take as little or as much time as you need. It is also not unusual to have feelings of rage and want to physically harm yourself or your parents after they have disowned you. If you do have feelings of wanting to hurt someone or yourself, you need to speak with a medical professional.

Many disowned children will spend much time thinking about what they did wrong and this is a mistake. We all make mistakes, but there is no logical reason why a parent should ever disown their child. Many parents that have truly disowned their children have psychological issues and they are the ones with the problem, not you. Do not spend too much time dwelling on what you could have done or said differently. Many times, there is nothing you could have done to make your parents love you.

A change in scenery may be appropriate if your surroundings are too much of a reminder of your parents. Whether you move across town or across the country is up to you and what you are comfortable doing.

Children who have been disowned by their parents feel empty and think that they are incapable of being loved. You need to accept and love yourself. Discover what your talents and gifts are. Do you like to write or fix things? Are you good at crafts or helping others work through their problems? Once you find out what you are good at, take time to develop that talent and use it to help others.

Find a support system through a church, your school, or even at work. While being disowned is still a taboo subject, there are places online where you can connect with others who understand. Make sure you find quality friends to spend your time with. Many disowned children have self-esteem issues and tend to accept friends with anyone they come across. Do not make this mistake as some people are not worth being friends with. Remember, quality friendships mean much more than the number of friends you have.

It can be difficult to tell others why you do not go home for the holidays and you do not need to tell people that you have been disowned by your parents if you are not comfortable doing so. Of course, you do not want to lie because lies will ruin your new support system, but you are permitted to keep certain things to yourself. If someone is pressuring you into discussing your family and you are not ready, then you can tell them you would rather not talk about it or simply change the subject.

The final step to take is to turn the situation around. Disowned children have spent many years desperately trying to get their parents love and approval without success. Instead of feeling sadness about the situation, think of how positive your life is without your parents in your life. Many disowned children finally graduate school, find good jobs, and accomplish many things now that the negativity and abuse of their parents is no longer in their lives. Although it will take time for you to heal, full recovery is possible.

Being disowned by your parents is a traumatic event. Maybe they loved you at one time or perhaps they never loved you at all. All you need to remember is that you are worthwhile, lovable, and important. You have good qualities about you that can help others through this life.  However you decide to heal from this tragedy, make sure that you do not allow resentment and unforgiveness to plague your new life. The last thing you want to do is to repeat the pattern and end up disowning your children someday.

Following the above steps will help you heal and cope after being disowned by your parents.

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Comments (99)

highly moving

I enjoyed your article and have shared it on facebook. I know what it feels like to be disowned, and your article clearly points out that a lot of times, life is better without the dysfunctional parents. However, I feel that it is healthy for each of us to examine what our part is. This does not mean we should dwell on it, and forgiving ourselves and loving ourselves has to be a high priority. Good luck.

Thanks Mike & Laurie! You are absolutely right. :)

Very sensitively shared with us. I love your insight and gentleness.

Very moving article. You're so good to write this for others who need the support they need. It's the parents' loss when such a tragedy like this occurs.

This is a delicate and rare topic, thanks for sharing. This could be hard to be a disowned child, but the only person responsible for our future is our self. So we have to try to rose above the situation, and be a better person.

Aj

im jus going in the process of getting disownd and this helps thank u

I am so sorry, Aj. I know how you feel - I was disowned in 2006 and sometimes I still feel sad - especially when I see people out with their families. But, I has gotten a lot easier. My husband's family has taken me in and loves me unconditionally, which is a tremendous help. I will say a prayer for you to have strength.

Nagi

Recently my mother disowned me, my father doesn't want to do it, but because my mother holds the purse strings and any help I get with him only makes her mad. I have found this article interesting and enlightening. I wish there were more support groups out there.

Hi, Nagi - I am so sorry you are going through this. It can be very painful and it took me a long time to heal. I do hope that you have the support of friends or other family members that can help get you through this. I will keep you in my prayers.

Nagi

My support is my fiance and his family, it is the fact that even though my father wants to help me, he is sort of tied to my mother at the moment. He got in trouble when he made a promise to help me with rent and then my mother turned around and started to yell at him, he in turn had to tell me he couldn't do anything. Now we had to come up with a way to make 80 dollars and pay also so that we have a car and hopefully get to a job interview by next week.

My husband and his family have been my support- I am so thankful that they have remained by my side. My mother also has control over the finances and she monitors the phone and mailbox so I can't communicate with my dad. I do hope that you come up with the $80 and hope the job interview goes well

Chaz Wenderoth

So I guess the presumption is that it's all the parents fault. I'm sure that none of the children that are "disowned" desreved the treatment. Seriously, think of it as divorce. Would you recommend that somone maintain a relationship with a spuse that abused them, both physically and emotionally? Any idea how frightening a 17 year old can be? When somone threatens to kill you, shoul I just blow that off? Before you sit back nad think, must be his (my) fault, my two other children and two step-children support me %100 in my and my wifes decision.

Each situation is unique. I was simply telling people how individuals I have counseled have coped with being disowned from a psychological standpoint. I am in no way advocating you allow abusive people to remain in your life - this is an article on how to cope with being disowned - not reasons to discourage disowning someone if you need to. I'm very sorry you had a violent child and had to suffer. I do hope that you find healing and have received counseling (and perhaps a restraining order if violence is an issue.) I can recommend some excellent attorneys and counselors in your area if you like if you have not already taken steps to protect yourself and your family.

@Chaz Wenderoth - I don't think the author of this article is stating that's it's ALWAYS the parents' fault. Of course there are instances when an older child gets involved in something such as drugs that change them, but this article is about how people must COPE with being disowned. A lot of violence in family backgrounds stem these kinds of results. Even if parents give up on their kids and disown them in bitter circumstances, the pain is still very real. There's such a thing as telling a kid when you shape up, you know where I am if they're found to be a danger. Most of the time that's not it at all. It's abusive parents. Sorry, just the truth.

Chaz Wenderoth

Hea ther,

I understand what the article is about, I just thought I might lend a perspective. No need to be sorry, it's your truth, not mine. Thnaks for the response.

Ameeha

Hi there,

This was an interesting read. My parents have been pushing my sister in to marrying a man from the same religion and community because marriage outside the community would be disgraceful and dishonourable. For someone growing up as an ethnic minority in a different country, the immense pressure is undescribable. Making the best of two cultures - it's not easy. As far as I'm concerned, arranged marriages are just a veil for xenophobia and I don't feel comfortable being part of a racist agenda. But I'm being made to feel guilty for wanting to live my own life and make my own choices.

There is definitely an element of truth about this happening with dysfunctional families. My dad is a force to reckon with and there is a history of mental and emotional abuse and exploitation in my family since i can remember. My parents had an arranged marriage and they just don't get along - they've had problems. But I suppose when you are indoctrinated in thinking a certain way - you can't think about anything else. I try to understand it from my parent's perspective but I can't bring myself to accept this. Why is the world still asleep to this?

This christmas, there is a chance that my sister and I will be disowned - we just don't know what's going to happen. It's absolutely heart breaking. It's affected my work and I've had to tell my boss - and I hate having been put in this position. You're right - there is a psychological thing in our parents/relations and if your head is screwed on - you see through it. But it feels like me and my sister are the only one's who see through it - there are so many other peope who are happy with arranged marriages and would just deny the fact it's racism. This article really helped me anticipate what could happen. It's not about who disown's who - it's the hurt and pain that you have to live with and come to terms with. And in all it's colours - it's unfair. It certainly doesn't feel like love. Thank you.

Jason

Thanks for this page. I've been dealing with being disowned for about a year now. Nice to know I'm not the only one. I still feel the rage and sadness, seems that I had bad luck for parents. The anger is difficult, I dream of revenge for the pain I was given as a child (abuse). But I know where it will lead, so I must find a way through. Any advice on how to let go of that would be appreciated!

@Ameeha - my heart broke when I read your comment. I do hope that your parents will be understanding, but if you and your sister do get disowned, just remember that you two are beautiful and God will take care of you. I wish I could offer some advice, but all I can say is stay strong and do what your heart says is right.

@Jason - I also thought that I was the only one dealing with being disowned. It is such a hateful thing and to tell you the truth, there are times when I still get angry and sad. I've also had lots of thoughts of revenge. What helped me is to write down my feelings - I wrote many "letters" that I never sent. The support of my husband has helped also. He always reminds me that it is their loss, but then its like every movie I see, every person I see, every song I hear is just a reminder of what everyone else takes for granted and what I don't have. Writing helped me, finding some good friends helped, and at one point I begged God to take the pain away. Time also helped and remembering that I am so much better off physically and mentally without them - if they hadn't disowned me, then I would probably still be in the abusive situation I was in. I wish there was an easy fix, but there isn't. It takes a lot of time - but maybe these tips can help you get started.

delilah

Me and my little brother have been recently disowned. I still remember that day, it hurts alot. I blame myself for it everyday, its all my fault that my brother cant have a mom. Ihave these thoughts that haunt me everyday that one day when he grows up hes gonna blame me and gonna hate me. What kills me the most is the fact that Icant see my other littlebrother and sister, theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about them. im a 15 yr old girl

It breaks my heart to read these comments, I have never actually thought of what it would be like to be disowned... I've always assumed that the children were violent/on drugs/criminals and their parents had little choice but than to protect themselves. I hadn't considered the children of parents who had been abused or shunned for no apparent reason, it is really heartbreaking. I can't imagine a situation in which I'd consider disowning my own daughter, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to have this happen, especially as a young adult or teenager. I hope everyone can find peace, everyone deserves love, even those who may have made mistakes.

Thank you so much for your encouragement, Bella! It amazes me at the response this article has received - I really thought I was the only one! Your daughter is so lucky to have a mom that is so loving!

@Delilah - I am so sorry you are going through this! Please don't blame yourself - I can only imagine the heartbreak you are feeling of not being able to see your little brother and sister. I have found that writing has helped me deal with the emotions - maybe you could try writing as a way to release your emotions?

Red

I'm in this boat, because I am in love with an alcoholic, who had a relapse that wasn't pleasant. But, I'm giving him a chance to get better and I love him. My family has distanced themselves, until I lie and tell them he's no longer a part of my life. Everyone then is happy, except me. It's stressful, lonely and unfair that at 40 years of age, family think they have a say in my decisions. I'm starting to come around to doing what makes me happy and knowing my children are safe, regardless of his problem, which he is working at recovering. I am going to stand by him, and get ready for the fall out of losing my family. Not a nice feeling....

Amy

I've lived with this for 16 years. I came from a huge family and my father ruled all. When I was 19 I became pregnant with my daughter and my father disowned me because my child's father was a different race. He had always mentally controlled the entire family (9 brothers/sisters) and also mentally controls my mother. I was completely kicked out and cut off left to fend for myself and my newborn. I was never a "bad" child and was always the responsible one. To this day I still get upset sometimes. I have had some contact with one of my brothers (he was also disowned because of an argument with my father). But other than that, its as if I never existed. I was even told by my youngest sibling that he couldnt afford to be disowned so he couldnt let them know that he had talked to me. I am happily married with 4 children and have the most loving in laws anyone could ask for. I have been very successful in my life. I have a beautiful home, great job and my kids are absolutely the most loving, happy children I could have asked for. Most of the time I am thankful that this happened to me because I hear through the grapevine of the dysfunction that still goes on and am thankful that my life isnt that complicated. But on the other hand it still hurts me to know that the love I feel for my children would never allow me to not speak to them, despite what choices they make in life. So why is it that my parents didnt love me enough to do the same?

Wow, Amy - thank you so much for sharing your story - I can understand your feelings about 1 part of you feeling thankful and the other part of you wondering why you couldn't be loved enough, I feel that way too. I wish I had the answer, but I don't. I am happy that you have a wonderful husband, children, and in-laws - I think that is what keeps me going - my in-laws, children, and husband love me unconditionally. @Red -I am sorry you and the person you love are going through this, but I urge you to hold on to your loved one. It is easy to give up on someone, but it takes great character and a big heart to stick with them.

This is a touching article. With your insights and the responses, it is really heartbreaking that more and more are going through a situation of disowning and being disowned. There must be a reason for all of these. I felt disowned throughout my life but it only made me stronger to face the raging storms of life. I can say God has been good and is still good to me.

Aileen, I have to agree that God is good and while I don't uinderstand His plan, I know He only has good things for everyone. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment!

sharron

i too was disowned by my parents..im 35 ..married with 2 amazing lil boys.....my mother has always favoured my 2 elder sisters..+ wenever rows happend over the yrs growing up..my mother constantly took their sides..resulting in many yrs of all the family not talking to me..even when my eldset married sister slept with my partner.+ other sister stole thousands from me..they still all turned on me.....its been 8 months since i spoke to my mother...i offerd her to cum to my house to visit the children + she refused....but yet again.....im the bad one......i feel so so angry with the way ive been treated..its eating away at me...+ my poor boys r stuck in this.......but at least its over....+ they will never ever have the chance to hurt my boys like they have me.......just hope the pain eases in time..xxxx

I am so sorry, Sharron - I recently wrote an "open letter" to my mother online and pretty much wrote everything she did to me that was screwed up. I hesitated in publishing it (it wasn't on this site) but I finally did - and since then I have felt a big load off of my shoulders. But you are right - your parents will not have the chance to hurt your boys.

sharon williams

its comforting in a way that the feelings im experienceing are perfectly normal...rage..sadness..lonliness..revenge.......somedays my mind works overtime + i cant sleep or cant think of anything else,sometimes i feel its getting in the way of bringing up my boys...3yrs + 16....my parents..have given up on them too..how could they do that???? im not a bad person..never had police at the door..never takien drugs..i own my own home...i work......i truly think..my mother hates it becoz..i have never needed her..like my 2 older sisters have..+ wen shes bullied us..i stood up 4 myself..questioned her wen i was older on why she was soooo strict + who my real father is...i think she hated me standing up to her....so shes just GOt RID..so to speak!!!!! but sometimes i wish she would just knock the door n throw her arms around me n my boys + realise how shes been.....my sisters..also disowned me..as its EASIER for them to do...as they mite be disowned too.....+ as my aunt..my mums sister..is still in contact..shes cut ties with her too..........i know..we will never speak again.........+ wen my boys ask me about their nanny..i will b honest with them..my husband + i r going to b trying 4 baby number 3 soon.....i cant wait..to bring up my children in a loving home with a mother that will never ever give up on them + be there always!!!!!

Some people just don't think right - I know that I grew up in a very abusive household - my mother was always cold and had no emotion and my father was an alcoholic - you would think it would be me that would disown them, not the other way around! I always tried to be the perfect child, but it was never good enough. I remember my mother saying to me once that she didn't want any more kids - and then my brother and I just had to show up. (3 of us 5 kids have been disowned) I really wish if she didn't want us then she should have given us up. My parents have no interest in my daughter either - I send pictures and letters every once in awhile but never hear anything back. They probably aren't even looked at. I am really glad my husbands family is so loving towards me... but I also wish that my mother would realize what she has done and give me a hug or tell me that she loves me... but I know it will never happen. She couldn't even do those things when I was an innocent child. I still get angry and sad quite a lot, but writing really helps me. Good luck with trying for baby number 3! My husband and I are also trying for another one! I could never turn my back on my children...

Emily

Wow. I am SO GRATEFUL to know I am not alone! I am a 31 year old woman who was disowned not once, but twice. One of the things I recognize it did teach me was to learn how to 1) survive on my own and 2) it really acquainted me with my own power. Its a hard gift to come by, but I've searched so hard for the positive in it. I've been to more therapy than quite possibly anyone I know and have even taken a year long sabbatical for spiritual study and honestly, I'm still angry. When I reached the part in your post where you used the word "rage" I felt vindicated. I have a lot of rage over it. Also unlike most people on this board, I am still single and every year it gets more and more painful. Its like this reminder that I am on my own, alone, fighting with life... I really just want to be married. I've made drastic changes in my life to try and make it happen to. Please pray that I will find someone. Life is too hard to not have someone there to share the burden.

Emily, thank you for sharing and I am praying that you find someone who will never let you go! When I was disowned, I was completely on my own. I didn't meet my husband until a few years later and after I had moved to another state to "start over." Before I met him, I felt so lonely and angry - and sometimes I still get angry. But you know what - its amazing where we find the strength to go on when many others would have just given up. You have good things in your future!!!!

Jason

I have to say a sincere thank-you to the people who have posted and maintain this discussion. Since finding out that there are others (and probably a lot more than have posted here), it does give some sense of peace knowing that I'm not alone. I can only hope that other people who are in the same situation can find their way here.

Since being able to post, and able to read other's stories, I have come a little closer to acceptance of my situation. The feelings of anger and wrongdoing have been replaced by sympathy (for my father, not myself). This is a huge step for me, as I now feel that I am the one who is OK -- it is the heart of a drunk who is not me that has the defect. Sad for me, yes, but sadder for a man who is so stuck in himself that he won't even have a relationship with his own son. I have the ability to forge and maintain new, lasting relationships and enjoy my life! We all have that ability, and must not let the judgements of other affect our sense of self-worth. In the end, who really wants to be with people who practice total and unconditional exclusion? It's supposed to be total and unconditional love, the last time I checked ;-)

Jason, those are very wise words and you are absolutely correct: it is supposed to be total and unconditional love. I am also surprised at the number of others who are in this same situation (I really did think I was the only one!) I wish there were more resources online or a book or support group or something available. It does make me think that someone that can so easily disown their own child must not have any feelings - now that I have children of my own, I could never do this to them - no matter what.

David Lee

Taylor. This article that you wrote really touched me deep down inside and has brought me tears from my eyes. As a kid, I have always been disowned by my parents. At first my father...then my mother followed shortly after. I was a broken child. The things you explained in this article fits me very well, the good and the bad. I have never understood it until I grew up realizing what the pain my parents caused me to feel so...broken. I hurts so much when they disown you, comes back to comfort you to make you feel better, disown you again and it repeats. It makes me feel so much better knowing that people in this world goes through this and feels how I feel. What saddens me most is.....I can let go of the grudges I now hold from long ago as a kid up till now from all those mistakes I made. I actually have come to conclude that I hate the world as it is. Growing up, it would have been nice to be told that I have done something right for a change....With all this. I am still fighting for a better life. I have a girl friend who tries her best to support me, a job, and finally some friends that I may even consider them...true.

Laura

Wow. I too like many others it seems felt like i was the only one in this situation. Im just a teenager and was disowned over a year ago now, first by my father and in turn by every member of his side of the family. All of which i was so close too. And in all honesty it has destroyed me, i'm finnally coming to terms with it and accepting it although i will never understand it and this site has helped alot. It's really inspireing the way people have shared thir stories and others have helped and it makes me feel strong enough to open up on whats happened when ive never done anything like this before. But seriously, how do you let go off the grudges? How do you get over the abandonment?

Laura

Wow. I too like many others it seems felt like i was the only one in this situation. Im just a teenager and was disowned over a year ago now, first by my father and in turn by every member of his side of the family. All of which i was so close too. And in all honesty it has destroyed me, i'm finnally coming to terms with it and accepting it although i will never understand it and this site has helped alot. It's really inspireing the way people have shared thir stories and others have helped and it makes me feel strong enough to open up on whats happened when ive never done anything like this before. But seriously, how do you let go off the grudges? How do you get over the abandonment?

@David Lee - it is so important to have a support system and like you, I wish I could have done something right when I was growing up. I have to believe that disowning children must be a sickness or mental illness... as a mother, I could never disown my kids. @Laura - I still have issues with abandonment, rejection, and I still get angry - it just happens less as time goes on. I have had a lot of counseling, too - writing about it helps me a lot with my feelings and like David Lee mentioned, he has a support system with his girlfriend and friends - I think thats really important. I still have issues with this and I was disowned almost 6 years ago - but as time passes, it does get a bit easier to cope. (HUGS)

My step-father was disowned by his parents after he married my mother and had an "instant family" of a wife and two kids that they disapproved of. My parents then had 2 more children that became a somewhat separate "core family" and my older brother and I were basically cast to the side. I could give you 30 years of examples but I will spare the sad details. Eight months ago I had a falling-out with my youngest brother over the way he and his wife treat my mother. After listening to my mother for years about how my brother made her feel, I finally had words with him over what he was doing to her. Long story short, he ran and cried to my mother as he always has done in the past, and she felt forced to take "sides". She told me that her and my father have decided that not only do they not wish to attend my wedding, but that they no longer wish to have a relationship with me. I told my mother at that moment that I felt like I was nothing more than her babysitter and housekeeper growing up. Her response was that she felt I had a lot of "issues" for which she takes no responsibility. You see, I grew up in a house where no one really talked about issues or feelings. Things were never calmly or rationally discussed - there was always a lot of screaming and yelling, and the theme of disowning one of us had been a constant threat over the years whenever my father got angry. That's the pattern, after all. I realize now that this would have happened eventually, because I am the outspoken one in the family, and am not one to sweep things under the carpet like my mother has done her entire life. The minute I brought a problem out into the open, I was cut off. I have been internalizing and agonizing over this for months now, but after reading this forum, I realize that I am better off. You're right - your parents don't have to love you, and no matter how much you try, you can't force them to.

Gina, I am so sorry this has happened. I know exactly what you mean about being the only one brave enough to speak your mind - my brother is like that and he was disowned as well. With all the responses this article is getting, it is becoming clear that parents disowning their children is more common than the public realizes, but it just amazes me that there are no resources to help us through this. I wish that our parents would love us... I would give anything for my mother to love me... and its taking a long time, but I will heal from this and become stronger. And I know that i will never disown my child for anything. Thank you for sharing your story... it breaks my heart, but at least we know that we are not alone.

Jennifer

Thank you so much for writing about this. I am also a disowned child. I am 37 married with 4 boys and have been dealing with this for years. My mother has been married to two alcoholics and her husbands have both physically and emotionally abused me. She sided with them both. The pain is one never should bear. I got a call today from another family member and she has apparently disowned my children. My step brother just had a baby and my mother said we finally have a real grandson. The family has been split recently because I took in my nieces ( my other step brother's kids) because the parents were using both drugs and alcohol. My mother was so angry that I interfered. Their father , my other step brother. passed a drug test and was able to get my nieces back. That sadness alone is tough and now this. I went to church tonight and I came home able to let go and cry. I am a survivor and I will make sure my children and future grandchildren never have to experience this level of pain. Thank you to everyone for their comments and sharing their stories.

Thank you, Jennifer - the pain is so real and can feel so unbearable at times.. I will never understand a parent who can just turn off their love like that, but crying is good - at least that way your feelings are getting out. And I completely know what you mean about our children never experiencing pain like that... it is just so sad that so many people have gone through this...

Tamara

Thank you so much for this article. I have at times felt it was my fault that my parents disowned me. I am 33, married with four beautiful girls. My first child is a child from my husband side, her mom passed away when she was eight. I married fresh out of college at the age of almost 20. It felt right. My parents refused to believe in us as my husband was from Russia and had a 8 year old daughter at that time. My parents believe that my husband married me to get into Canada. This was the first time I got disowned. I worked my way back into get re-owned by actions. The second time I got disowned was so much worst. I got an email out of the blue stating that he is my biological father. At first I thought the was a scammer and forwarded it to my mother. She never replied. Meanwhile a second email came stating facts about my life that nobody could possibly know. So I went to my mother's door with a bunch of flowers saying no worries, I am at peace with the situation, she then says Tamara, you are no longer part of our family. She never got to share her side of the story with me. My dad (adoptive, do not like to say this) is tied to my mother, so he has no say. He was an excellent father to my while growing up. I can never understand why my mother disowned me because she feels that I am in contact with Pete (my biological father).

Anyways it has been almost 2 and a half years and not a peep from my mother or father. How can they disown me, knowing that I did not go looking for my biological father? He found me. In fact I am in touch with him today as I choose to do it. He has been looking for me for many years and I am glad he found me. Some of the questions I had in the past were answered as soon as I found out about him. He is happily married with two other daughters. Sure he made mistakes in the past, and I understand my mother. However he is a changed man today and doing well.

This is no reason to disown me. I have done nothing wrong! It makes me feel very unloved, as if I was a burden all their lives, self esteem is low because I feel abandoned and sad. It is affecting my relationship with my husband and not sure how to get rid of this feeling. One day at a time.

Thank you again for sharing this article. It makes a lot of sense. I typed in google to find out how I can honor my parents when they have disowned me. I am doing a good thing by writing them Christmas cards and sending pictures of their grandchildren. At the end of the day, its their loss.

amanda

Well i'm on the other end of the stick , i havent seen my 17 year old daughter for 4 month's , the last time i saw her she attacked me , she has been trouble since she was 14 and has made my life and her sisters life a complete misery for 3 years , she's into drugs , drink , and her boyfriend is just a complete and utter waste of space , she has now from what i gather from the grapevine , moved in with her boyfriend and his family , wants nothing to do with me or her dad or her sisters , wont answer her phone , or puts it straight down when i try and call , so i have now given up on her if thats the way she want's to be then i hope i never have to see the evil cow again , she even told me when i thought i had breast cancer to die , and when i asked her to come to the hospital with me , she said no i'm doing something for my boyfriends mum , what kind of person can do that to their own mother who genuinly thought i did have cancer at the time , obviously i'm hurting inside as i gave everything to her and gave up my life for her (i was a very young mum) But if i never have to see her again it will be too soon , my middle daughter wouldnt eat for years because of her , now since she's gone she's eating again , very odd

I'm so sorry, Amanda - as a mother myself I can't imagine the pain and anger you must feel of giving everything to your daughter and having her throw it away and treat you like that. I see a lot of young people who treat their parents awfully and I just wish that they knew how lucky they are to have parents that care and wish that they wouldnt take their parents for granted. I am glad to hear that your middle daughter is eating again and wish you the best

Sunshine from FLorida

I love this article! I have been literally diswoned from my entire family and it isnt just the cold sholder thing, they have forced me to leave the state, threated me when they did talk to me-such as throwing me in a mental clinic threatening to call police just for trying to talk to them, I have been insulted and degreded. All the while I kept trying to live up to their expecatitions so they would be happy, finally after a year of calling-home phones -cell phones and no answers and no replys- not even in emergancys, I started to really get it. They were punishing me- in their minds trying to force me to do or be something they want. What I did to deserve it, well, I am an embarressmet to them, they are afraid of their freinds learning about what I am, my father the last we spoke was yelling at me and concluded before hanging up that I should kill myself. Yes I had to be punished I suppose. It was an ubrupted trama as the article talks about. I was in denial for a while, kept trying to pawn to the every chance to try and build bridges of love, understanding tolarence, trying to fix what has been broken. Every time I tried to amend things they wouldnt budge. Sent presents and money and flowers and letters and called every week on the dot up to a year later, yes, they got to hear me break down in tears and cry and even cuse a few times. The disease spread, i tried to get other family to get on myside, tried to partner with them tryed to used them to build those bridges and nope - they started to slander my name- crazy- mental hospital- criminal- on and on until they too after learning what I had become who I had become they closed the door. My parents and family dont care even if I am alive or dead, they dont know where I have been in the last 4 years now, they dont care if I am starving or not. Well, my father did tell me to kill myself. Denial. Then came rages, and yes I felt as if I could hurt someone or myself and did seek help. I had very often an akward linger that I tried to hide from people when they ask about my family- and a few urupt times when cornered to share my story. Then came the rage and emotions in a whirle wind and the furey and the pain and the hopelessness, personal validation and confidence squashed to pieces. The article is right you must find a place in the world were you have a support system- real people - that can love you for you and that will be there and you have to heal- that is the hardest and longest part. Even when you do accomplish something it feels as if you are worthless- because the people who betrayed you- supposedly supost to love you- arent their to praise what you had been doing all along- trying to make them happy and proud.

I dont think there is any reason in the world that could make me ever treat another human being this way- especially not my own child- no matter what they have or have not done. I definatly could never treat another person this way.

It is extreamly cruel.

But you relize how strong a person you are, to live throw it, and know that even though you invested so much energy and your life in them being your validation, you learn the only validation you need is you and not many other people are worth your validation, not if they treat you that way.

The only thing you need to find is a place in your self to replace what they once had and neglected, and celebrate yourself everything you are.

Sunshine from FLorida

I love this article! I have been literally diswoned from my entire family and it isnt just the cold sholder thing, they have forced me to leave the state, threated me when they did talk to me-such as throwing me in a mental clinic threatening to call police just for trying to talk to them, I have been insulted and degreded. All the while I kept trying to live up to their expecatitions so they would be happy, finally after a year of calling-home phones -cell phones and no answers and no replys- not even in emergancys, I started to really get it. They were punishing me- in their minds trying to force me to do or be something they want. What I did to deserve it, well, I am an embarressmet to them, they are afraid of their freinds learning about what I am, my father the last we spoke was yelling at me and concluded before hanging up that I should kill myself. Yes I had to be punished I suppose. It was an ubrupted trama as the article talks about. I was in denial for a while, kept trying to pawn to the every chance to try and build bridges of love, understanding tolarence, trying to fix what has been broken. Every time I tried to amend things they wouldnt budge. Sent presents and money and flowers and letters and called every week on the dot up to a year later, yes, they got to hear me break down in tears and cry and even cuse a few times. The disease spread, i tried to get other family to get on myside, tried to partner with them tryed to used them to build those bridges and nope - they started to slander my name- crazy- mental hospital- criminal- on and on until they too after learning what I had become who I had become they closed the door. My parents and family dont care even if I am alive or dead, they dont know where I have been in the last 4 years now, they dont care if I am starving or not. Well, my father did tell me to kill myself. Denial. Then came rages, and yes I felt as if I could hurt someone or myself and did seek help. I had very often an akward linger that I tried to hide from people when they ask about my family- and a few urupt times when cornered to share my story. Then came the rage and emotions in a whirle wind and the furey and the pain and the hopelessness, personal validation and confidence squashed to pieces. The article is right you must find a place in the world were you have a support system- real people - that can love you for you and that will be there and you have to heal- that is the hardest and longest part. Even when you do accomplish something it feels as if you are worthless- because the people who betrayed you- supposedly supost to love you- arent their to praise what you had been doing all along- trying to make them happy and proud.

I dont think there is any reason in the world that could make me ever treat another human being this way- especially not my own child- no matter what they have or have not done. I definatly could never treat another person this way.

It is extreamly cruel.

But you relize how strong a person you are, to live throw it, and know that even though you invested so much energy and your life in them being your validation, you learn the only validation you need is you and not many other people are worth your validation, not if they treat you that way.

The only thing you need to find is a place in your self to replace what they once had and neglected, and celebrate yourself everything you are.

Sara

I'm really glad I came across this site. My mum disowned me many times and then I have to work really hard to get re-owned by her and also my family. I'm 20 years old and single. I come from an ethnic minority and my family find me too westernised in my opinions. They constantly try to change me and cant accept me for how I am. They want me to marry someone from my racial background or nobody at all. Whereas I have no problems with marrying into any races as long as we both have a similar outlook on things, shares views and opinions etc. But they can't understand that and always put me down. I've been sweared at, called a dog, worthless. My family have disowned me because they think that I am disrespectful and disobedient. Its so difficult growing up between 2 cultures.

I'm a girl that was abused physically and sexually (not by my own family) but when they found out, they judged me and put me down so much. I wasn't even allowed to tell the authorities because of their honour and reputation.

My family have been there for me in many other ways, and been kind to me. But we have always clashed over cultural views. And ever since I was abused and then denied the right to speak out and get justice, I have resented my family more and more. I am somewhat socially withdrawn around my own culture and have a low self-esteem. Because of this I am called stupid. They dont understand why I have become the way that I am.

Being disowned is really hard and I cant help but feel guilty because I love my family so much and nothing I do is ever noticed. I just never know what to do to please them. Being disowned for me means I find it so hard to feel happy about anything. I just cant understand why my family hate me so much.

Lisa

I really don't think it is good to tell people that the ones who disowned them have psychological problems and that they should not reflect on their role in the conflict. It leads peopel to not accept responsibility for their actions.

My sister was my best friend, I would have died for her at one point. I used to watch movies and read stories about people disowning their children and I couldn't understand how anyone could be so cold.

Well my sister's personality began to change drastically I started hearing rumors about things she had done but I wouldn't believe them.

My niece was born and she only got worse, I saw her neglect my niece. The baby smelled like marijuana, her diaper rash was horrible, my sister wouldn't strap her in properly while driving. She would try to leave her un attentened. I argued with my sister, told my mom, and mom and I both tried to keep a closer eye on my niece.

I didn't want to call CPS on my sister, I thought she merely had post partum depression or just didn't understand the danger of her actions. I thought that if we explained it to her then she would change. She was my sister afterall, we both came from a loving home.

She married a drug dealer and is also an alcholoic, her husband is crazy. My niece is afraid of him, he threatened me and my mother and my sister supported him. They are both abusive to their children and other people. My sister thinks her children deserve to be abused, she actually likes to be mean. CPS was finally called but nothing came of it, she cleaned the house, put them in daycare, and hid out to avoid them.

She has turned on everyone and has caused our mother a great deal of pain. Every attempt at saving the relationship has been made but my sister has only gotten worse.

I would never defend a child abuser, or a person who thinks that it is funny that innocent people are getting hurt. You get tired of verbal abuse I mean there are so many things that people do not have to put up with.

When people are addicted to drugs and alcohol their personalities change drastically and they cause the entire family a great deal of pain. Parents have feelings too and sometimes they get tired of hurting, fighting, and of the stress caused by others in general.

They get tired of worrying about their drugged out kids or even just disrespectful children who are out all night.

Sometimes it is easier to have the funeral, accept that your child or sibling is dead and move on because the anxiety, fighting, and stress that goes along with it can be too much to bear.

When people are causing you too much stress and they enjoy doing it you should get away from them, I don't think relatives are an exception.

I try to keep an eye on my nieces and nephews as my parents do. However my sister monitors their phone calls if they are even allowed to call and in most cases they can not even visit us.

My parents can't take it anymore and neither can I. We stay by the phone and I will raise my nieces and nephews in a heartbeat if necessary. But I have seen my sister do things that I never thought I would see her do to innocent people.

I can't be around her anymore, she has been disowned by the family, it's too much. We did tell the kids that it is not them and if they need to get in contact with us they can but their mother and father are not welcome in the house and unfortunately they can not use the kids as pawns to get to us either.

I have feelings too and I have right to sanity and peace of mind. DNA is what makes us family members but relationships create bonds. Just because a person is my sister does not mean that I am obligated to be a friend to them. That relationship is a two way street and sometimes a person disowns another person because of the way that they treat others. It may help mend a bad relationship if some of the people who have been disowned think about the way they may have treated the people who disowned them.

The person that I adored and grew up with doesn't exist anymore, or maybe they never existed at all I had to accept that.

Thanks for sharing your story, Lisa. Obviously there are exceptions which I did put in one of my comments above (drug or another addiction or abuse.) I do hope that you and your family can heal from the pain you have endured.

Jackie

Today is my 19th birthday. Yesterday, I realized that I need to move out of my parents' home for my own health. My parents have been horribly mentally abusive for just about my entire life - I can't really vouch for the time period up until I was 6 because I don't think I can remember honestly how things were that long ago. I am likely going to be moving in with my biological father, who has been a somewhat minor force in my life. I am fully aware that moving in with him will probably mean that I can never come back home. My mother doesn't like him at all (they're divorced, after all) and would say that I'd slapped her in the face if I moved in with him "after all [she's] done." She's self-important, highly critical of me, and incapable of seeing the person I actually am, wanting only to see me as someone extremely lazy and stupid although I have a 4.0 in college and am taking courses years above my standing this year, something that took ages to arrange.

My boyfriend has been encouraging me to leave for a while now, especially since he has had to live in this house when not at school as well. My parents have repeatedly denied me financial support, although they could easily afford it, and I don't have enough money to cover tuition and textbooks for this semester, let alone car insurance, food, etc. When I present this, I'm told to work more than the 20 hours I'm already working on top of taking a full and difficult courseload, even though working and taking quite a few classes last semester caused me to almost suffer a breakdown (I discovered I have bipolar disorder along the way as well.)

My biggest problem with leaving this house is that I have to leave my cat, who I love more than anyone else who lives here. My biological dad and his fiance have three cats, who I like, but I know that they could never replace my kitty. I think it is extremely sad that I'm not concerned about leaving my parents and being disowned - my biggest concern is a CAT. All of my mother provides me right now is insurance, and she pays my medical bills. (She'd better! She's always arranging expensive psychological testing and neuropsychologist appointments for half the house! I have 5 younger siblings, all of whom also have psychological problems, and they refuse to see a correlation between that and their parenting style.)

I'm so tired of being controlled. I'm tired of everyone assuming I'm a horrible person. I'm tired of my life not being my own. I don't care if I have to move an hour away. I don't have a single friend in this area. I don't have much to lose. I'm not losing financial security because they think that people should have to work for every penny they have. Not from your middle-class parents. Never. They refused to buy me a $100 coat for my birthday because it was "not something [they'd] buy for [themselves]" although they have spent that much or more on me every year since I was 13. They used to tell me that I couldn't receive any mental health treatment until they'd met the mental health deductible on the insurance with their appointments and those of their children. I am not a second-class citizen, and I will not be treated as such.

Happy birthday to me. Maybe I can start living my life now.

Katy

I'm so glad to have found this article. My parents disowned me 7 years ago. I'm still dealing with "what could've" stuff. My mom hated the fact that I stood up for myself after being treated like a used rag by her. My step dad wanted to mend things but my mom has psychological issues where she would threaten to leave my step dad and take my half siblings with her back to the Philippines where he will never see them again. Anyway, he never grew any balls to stand up to her because she is conniving and scary to deal with. I was on my last year of high school and I wanted to take a year off and work and save up for my future even though I already have money and grants to go to college right away. My mom did not like this and she got very violent and angry that I wasn't going to college right away. It's not like I wasn't going, I just wanted a year off..I'm wasn't the only person that ever thought of that. It got so bad that my mom threw out all my stuff in our backyard..and I mean everything that's in my room minus my bed! She locked the doors and left a note that I can live in the streets since I didn't want to have education in me. I was an honor roll student in high school and I've never EVER rebelled against her wishes. I was the girl that got invited to parties and school dances but was never able to go because my mom would always say NO. Despite the fact that I never had a social life like my classmates I respected my mom because I love her and I didn't want to fight. I begged to come in but she wouldn't let me. My step dad came home but he couldn't let me in either. I was forced to move in with my high school boyfriend (oddly enough my mom approved of this guy) and his family. I was so embarrassed but they were so welcoming and treated me as if they've known me forever. Fast forward, I am still with the same guy for seven years and we are happily married for 4 years of that and we have a 3 year old son together. He is my soul mate and my best friend. His family and I have become so close. I finished high school with grants. I definitely took a year off to work and support myself even though my boyfriend helped me (he went to work in oilfield electrical) I still wanted to prove to my mom and myself that I am capable of many things. I went to College and became a nurse.

It still hurts when I look back at what happened between my mom and I. My family never went to my wedding. My step dad declined to walk me down the aisle. When every one else I know was having their babies and their parents are there for support, especially their mom..I had no one but my husband (of course his mom was there but it's not the same as your own mom). They've never met my son, they don't want to, and have no plans of ever wanting to reconnect again. I still deal with this everyday. I don't know how to move on and not cry anymore. My mom has brain washed the entire side of her family including my grandparents. They haven't answered any of my phone calls for almost 3 years now. Just recently I heard that they are coming here to Canada for a 4 month long visit. I guess I will never see them again. I miss my half siblings so much they are 14 and 8. I hope that somehow someday my brother will remember me since he was 8 years old when my parents disowned me.

Anyway, I'm glad I found this article and it is somewhat comforting that I am not alone with this.

Katy

I'm so glad to have found this article. My parents disowned me 7 years ago. I'm still dealing with "what could've" stuff. My mom hated the fact that I stood up for myself after being treated like a used rag by her. My step dad wanted to mend things but my mom has psychological issues where she would threaten to leave my step dad and take my half siblings with her back to the Philippines where he will never see them again. Anyway, he never grew any balls to stand up to her because she is conniving and scary to deal with. I was on my last year of high school and I wanted to take a year off and work and save up for my future even though I already have money and grants to go to college right away. My mom did not like this and she got very violent and angry that I wasn't going to college right away. It's not like I wasn't going, I just wanted a year off..I'm wasn't the only person that ever thought of that. It got so bad that my mom threw out all my stuff in our backyard..and I mean everything that's in my room minus my bed! She locked the doors and left a note that I can live in the streets since I didn't want to have education in me. I was an honor roll student in high school and I've never EVER rebelled against her wishes. I was the girl that got invited to parties and school dances but was never able to go because my mom would always say NO. Despite the fact that I never had a social life like my classmates I respected my mom because I love her and I didn't want to fight. I begged to come in but she wouldn't let me. My step dad came home but he couldn't let me in either. I was forced to move in with my high school boyfriend (oddly enough my mom approved of this guy) and his family. I was so embarrassed but they were so welcoming and treated me as if they've known me forever. Fast forward, I am still with the same guy for seven years and we are happily married for 4 years of that and we have a 3 year old son together. He is my soul mate and my best friend. His family and I have become so close. I finished high school with grants. I definitely took a year off to work and support myself even though my boyfriend helped me (he went to work in oilfield electrical) I still wanted to prove to my mom and myself that I am capable of many things. I went to College and became a nurse.

It still hurts when I look back at what happened between my mom and I. My family never went to my wedding. My step dad declined to walk me down the aisle. When every one else I know was having their babies and their parents are there for support, especially their mom..I had no one but my husband (of course his mom was there but it's not the same as your own mom). They've never met my son, they don't want to, and have no plans of ever wanting to reconnect again. I still deal with this everyday. I don't know how to move on and not cry anymore. My mom has brain washed the entire side of her family including my grandparents. They haven't answered any of my phone calls for almost 3 years now. Just recently I heard that they are coming here to Canada for a 4 month long visit. I guess I will never see them again. I miss my half siblings so much they are 14 and 8. I hope that somehow someday my brother will remember me since he was 8 years old when my parents disowned me.

Anyway, I'm glad I found this article and it is somewhat comforting that I am not alone with this.

Katy

I'm so glad to have found this article. My parents disowned me 7 years ago. I'm still dealing with "what could've" stuff. My mom hated the fact that I stood up for myself after being treated like a used rag by her. My step dad wanted to mend things but my mom has psychological issues where she would threaten to leave my step dad and take my half siblings with her back to the Philippines where he will never see them again. Anyway, he never grew any balls to stand up to her because she is conniving and scary to deal with. I was on my last year of high school and I wanted to take a year off and work and save up for my future even though I already have money and grants to go to college right away. My mom did not like this and she got very violent and angry that I wasn't going to college right away. It's not like I wasn't going, I just wanted a year off..I'm wasn't the only person that ever thought of that. It got so bad that my mom threw out all my stuff in our backyard..and I mean everything that's in my room minus my bed! She locked the doors and left a note that I can live in the streets since I didn't want to have education in me. I was an honor roll student in high school and I've never EVER rebelled against her wishes. I was the girl that got invited to parties and school dances but was never able to go because my mom would always say NO. Despite the fact that I never had a social life like my classmates I respected my mom because I love her and I didn't want to fight. I begged to come in but she wouldn't let me. My step dad came home but he couldn't let me in either. I was forced to move in with my high school boyfriend (oddly enough my mom approved of this guy) and his family. I was so embarrassed but they were so welcoming and treated me as if they've known me forever. Fast forward, I am still with the same guy for seven years and we are happily married for 4 years of that and we have a 3 year old son together. He is my soul mate and my best friend. His family and I have become so close. I finished high school with grants. I definitely took a year off to work and support myself even though my boyfriend helped me (he went to work in oilfield electrical) I still wanted to prove to my mom and myself that I am capable of many things. I went to College and became a nurse.

It still hurts when I look back at what happened between my mom and I. My family never went to my wedding. My step dad declined to walk me down the aisle. When every one else I know was having their babies and their parents are there for support, especially their mom..I had no one but my husband (of course his mom was there but it's not the same as your own mom). They've never met my son, they don't want to, and have no plans of ever wanting to reconnect again. I still deal with this everyday. I don't know how to move on and not cry anymore. My mom has brain washed the entire side of her family including my grandparents. They haven't answered any of my phone calls for almost 3 years now. Just recently I heard that they are coming here to Canada for a 4 month long visit. I guess I will never see them again. I miss my half siblings so much they are 14 and 8. I hope that somehow someday my brother will remember me since he was 8 years old when my parents disowned me.

Anyway, I'm glad I found this article and it is somewhat comforting that I am not alone with this.

Matt

Nice article. I'm a Christian, my parents are separated and Atheist, and my mother has just effectively disowned me yesterday. For years she has told me how she is ashamed of me because of my life choices, how I will always mess up in life. As a teenager she destroyed my confidence and self-esteem and this affected me for many years. No matter how well I do in life, she was always there to tell me how bad I am. But as much as I should be upset, strangely I am not. I don't know if it hasn't hit me yet or if I am stronger than I give myself credit for. But I feel strong for knowing Jesus loves me no matter who abandons me. I am blessed for having a lovely wife and child. I have friends who show more love and consideration than my mother has done. I also know that my mother does not hate me per-se, she hates herself for her own issues in life with which she just cannot deal with and move on. I have a sister who lives with her, she is experiencing the same issues now that I had 10-15 years ago, so I know it is not just me. I have already forgiven my mother for disowning me and know that it is not "her" but her lifelong demons that prevent her from being happy, and projects her self-loathing onto her children.

The only issues I face now are:

* my mother is the ideal candidate who needs to be saved, but she will never hear it from me. Throughout my life, she rejects anything I say or do - if I said to her that red is red, she'd disagree just because it came from me. So I have to keep my burning zeal under wraps and accept her heart is hardened. I pity her, but what can I do?

* she insists she wants to be in my son's life. Mother and I live 6000 miles apart, so on the one hand she has disowned me but on the other hand, she wants to send my son persents and cards?! I know it is wrong to deny her, but at the same time I don't want my son to be exposed to a woman who is seriously troubled and a bad influence. And how can she be in his life if I cannot be in hers?

All I can say to others who experience the same; it is not your fault! I can verify what the article says; that THEY have the problem. Do not think any less of yourselves. And remember that no matter who abandons you, how bad things may seem, God loves you infinitely and sent His Son Jesus to die for you, that you may be saved upon accepting Him as your Lord and Saviour. With love like this, how can you be broken? How can you feel worthless and unloved?

Matt

Nice article. I'm a Christian, my parents are separated and Atheist, and my mother has just effectively disowned me yesterday. For years she has told me how she is ashamed of me because of my life choices, how I will always mess up in life. As a teenager she destroyed my confidence and self-esteem and this affected me for many years. No matter how well I do in life, she was always there to tell me how bad I am. But as much as I should be upset, strangely I am not. I don't know if it hasn't hit me yet or if I am stronger than I give myself credit for. But I feel strong for knowing Jesus loves me no matter who abandons me. I am blessed for having a lovely wife and child. I have friends who show more love and consideration than my mother has done. I also know that my mother does not hate me per-se, she hates herself for her own issues in life with which she just cannot deal with and move on. I have a sister who lives with her, she is experiencing the same issues now that I had 10-15 years ago, so I know it is not just me. I have already forgiven my mother for disowning me and know that it is not "her" but her lifelong demons that prevent her from being happy, and projects her self-loathing onto her children.

The only issues I face now are:

* my mother is the ideal candidate who needs to be saved, but she will never hear it from me. Throughout my life, she rejects anything I say or do - if I said to her that red is red, she'd disagree just because it came from me. So I have to keep my burning zeal under wraps and accept her heart is hardened. I pity her, but what can I do?

* she insists she wants to be in my son's life. Mother and I live 6000 miles apart, so on the one hand she has disowned me but on the other hand, she wants to send my son persents and cards?! I know it is wrong to deny her, but at the same time I don't want my son to be exposed to a woman who is seriously troubled and a bad influence. And how can she be in his life if I cannot be in hers?

All I can say to others who experience the same; it is not your fault! I can verify what the article says; that THEY have the problem. Do not think any less of yourselves. And remember that no matter who abandons you, how bad things may seem, God loves you infinitely and sent His Son Jesus to die for you, that you may be saved upon accepting Him as your Lord and Saviour. With love like this, how can you be broken? How can you feel worthless and unloved?

Matt

Nice article. I'm a Christian, my parents are separated and Atheist, and my mother has just effectively disowned me yesterday. For years she has told me how she is ashamed of me because of my life choices, how I will always mess up in life. As a teenager she destroyed my confidence and self-esteem and this affected me for many years. No matter how well I do in life, she was always there to tell me how bad I am. But as much as I should be upset, strangely I am not. I don't know if it hasn't hit me yet or if I am stronger than I give myself credit for. But I feel strong for knowing Jesus loves me no matter who abandons me. I am blessed for having a lovely wife and child. I have friends who show more love and consideration than my mother has done. I also know that my mother does not hate me per-se, she hates herself for her own issues in life with which she just cannot deal with and move on. I have a sister who lives with her, she is experiencing the same issues now that I had 10-15 years ago, so I know it is not just me. I have already forgiven my mother for disowning me and know that it is not "her" but her lifelong demons that prevent her from being happy, and projects her self-loathing onto her children.

The only issues I face now are:

* my mother is the ideal candidate who needs to be saved, but she will never hear it from me. Throughout my life, she rejects anything I say or do - if I said to her that red is red, she'd disagree just because it came from me. So I have to keep my burning zeal under wraps and accept her heart is hardened. I pity her, but what can I do?

* she insists she wants to be in my son's life. Mother and I live 6000 miles apart, so on the one hand she has disowned me but on the other hand, she wants to send my son persents and cards?! I know it is wrong to deny her, but at the same time I don't want my son to be exposed to a woman who is seriously troubled and a bad influence. And how can she be in his life if I cannot be in hers?

All I can say to others who experience the same; it is not your fault! I can verify what the article says; that THEY have the problem. Do not think any less of yourselves. And remember that no matter who abandons you, how bad things may seem, God loves you infinitely and sent His Son Jesus to die for you, that you may be saved upon accepting Him as your Lord and Saviour. With love like this, how can you be broken? How can you feel worthless and unloved?

Jenny

My mum didn't quite disown me per se, but effectively 'let me go' today.

Her father abused my sister as a child, it wasn't known by anyone in the family until 2 years ago. Within this time scale my own child was abused by a different perpetrator. He had been brought to justice now and is in prison. My mothers father has not. My mother is aware of the allegations being brought to her father and after numerous attempts of me speaking to my mother about this she just shuns it. She hasnt spoke to my sister - her daughter in nearly 2 years as she doesn't believe her. I fully believe my sister as he was inappropriate to me too and we spoke about it as young teenagers - she is now 23 and I 26. I told my mother that I have lost respect for her as she cannot have an opinion of disgust at my child's attacker and not her own child's attacker. I have lost all respect. Also when I was 19 and pregnant with my first child her then Fiancé assaulted me, I told her but she 'had words with him' and married him anyway.

Today I told her I can't have a relationship with her until she can get justice or at least confront these perpetrators and defend her daughters, to which her response was 'I'm in a dark abyss with it all, make sure the grandkids remember me, goodbye'

I am grieving a mother who isn't dead and has turned her back on me, don't know where to turn, don't know how to feel, yet I feel orphaned. My father is a fantastic man and if my son grows to be half the man he is I will be immensely proud. Disowned? I'm not sure if this is disowned, but it is certainly abandonment of some sort. She still sees her father regularly and has never asked what the hell happened. She pretty much told me today that after my brothers baby is born in spring that she is going to commit suicide.

She is my mother and I love her and the sheer thought of me telling her my feelings and knowing they are hurting her are crucifying me.

I feel dead inside.

Jenny

My mum didn't quite disown me per se, but effectively 'let me go' today.

Her father abused my sister as a child, it wasn't known by anyone in the family until 2 years ago. Within this time scale my own child was abused by a different perpetrator. He had been brought to justice now and is in prison. My mothers father has not. My mother is aware of the allegations being brought to her father and after numerous attempts of me speaking to my mother about this she just shuns it. She hasnt spoke to my sister - her daughter in nearly 2 years as she doesn't believe her. I fully believe my sister as he was inappropriate to me too and we spoke about it as young teenagers - she is now 23 and I 26. I told my mother that I have lost respect for her as she cannot have an opinion of disgust at my child's attacker and not her own child's attacker. I have lost all respect. Also when I was 19 and pregnant with my first child her then Fiancé assaulted me, I told her but she 'had words with him' and married him anyway.

Today I told her I can't have a relationship with her until she can get justice or at least confront these perpetrators and defend her daughters, to which her response was 'I'm in a dark abyss with it all, make sure the grandkids remember me, goodbye'

I am grieving a mother who isn't dead and has turned her back on me, don't know where to turn, don't know how to feel, yet I feel orphaned. My father is a fantastic man and if my son grows to be half the man he is I will be immensely proud. Disowned? I'm not sure if this is disowned, but it is certainly abandonment of some sort. She still sees her father regularly and has never asked what the hell happened. She pretty much told me today that after my brothers baby is born in spring that she is going to commit suicide.

She is my mother and I love her and the sheer thought of me telling her my feelings and knowing they are hurting her are crucifying me.

I feel dead inside.

Matt

@ Jenny. That's a sad story! I read it first thing this morning and felt I had to reply to you.

Firstly, I cannot relate personally to abuse cases as I was fortunate enough not to suffer that, but my wife has. Sometimes, as sad as it is, a woman's need to "not grow old alone" ends up outweighing the need to protect their children. Also, in many family circles, there is a tendency to live in complete denial; just keep it quiet, pretend it never happened and move on as normal - unaware of the impact. This usually ends up in affected people getting very bitter and hurt. That's my family to a T, "the old English way". Have black sheep in the family (those who don't keep quiet) but at least end birthday cards to keep up appearances. You see, such people see the addressal of a problem as "airing dirty laundry", as a bad thing, not willing to just discuss it, unleash the truth and then deal with the problem.

When you say your mother made threats, like the one to commit suicide. Know that they are only threats. It happened in my family too; not with my mother, but with my grandmother versus my mother. When one does have a heated argument in the family, some people turn to radical statements to get sympathy, make you feel rotten and "win" the argument. I have no doubt in my mind that your mother will never do that for real! My grandmother threatened to throw herself under a train during an argument - 24 years later she's still with us.

I sympathise with you not being able to tell your mother your feelings - I feel the same way. My mother is the kind who will never, never listen to anything I say. I could say that red is red and she will belittle me for it. Or, she will make crazy statements and claims, then I'd spend 2 hours writing a reply of defense and she'd reply 2 minutes after (ie. didn't bother to read it) to belittle me some more. This Wednesday, after basically 1-2 years of ignoring me, she wrote to me to write me off - I didn't even bother to read it as I knew I'd get emotional and reply emotionally; I let the wife read it instead and "filtered" the bad words that way. I know darn well why she is the way she is, I desperately want to help her and tell her stuff, but she will not read it, not appreciate it, not learn from it, so what good will it do? It's hard! So what I will do; I have a website where I write sermons (I'm an active Christian). So keep an eye out in the next few days, as over the weekend I intend to write my mother a reply in that manner, by addressing disownment. The article above did help me, because there were a few things I instantly recognised; so I want to write my own piece about the issue so that it may help others. (my site is http://deanministries.page.tl)

Finally, you said you don't know where to turn, don't know how to feel, yet feel orphaned, and dead inside. Jenny, I know what it feels like to feel unloved, I had that for many years as a teenager. Love and respect others, find a good man and marry one day by all means, but remember that every person falls short of glory and is liable to disappoint at some stage, even if it's about a minor thing. Every one of us is a sinner, and a sinner against God. But God doesn't want us to suffer, or for us to suffer justice in the form of wrath at the end. God loves us infinitely, and sent us His son Jesus to die for our sins, that we may be saved and enter Heaven. Besides getting saved, I can testify between the two situations - when one doesn't know about God's love, then one day if their loved ones are gone, when things are rough, there seems to be nobody to turn to and then one will feel hopeless. But there is ALWAYS hope, and since I learned of God's neverending love for me, I have such a peace, such consolation inside. Before, had my mother written me off, I would have been destroyed, as for many years I lived to make her happy even though I eventually learned that nothing would ever make her happy or proud of me. But knowing that I have been saved, that God loves me no matter what, that kept me strong on Wednesday when I was written off. And Jenny, even though your mother may not want to have contact with you, remember who you DO have - you have a child who also loves and adores you. Though you may have lost the love of one, you have the love of others. You are special, created by God in His own image, yet also unique. So carry on, knowing that you are loved by others, and when all else fails, God loved you from birth already and always does.

Matt

@ Jenny (and anyone who has gone through the same)

As mentioned earlier, I wrote my own piece on the disownment of children by parents, having gone through this myself now.

http://deanministries.page.tl/Disowned-f--Do-Not-Despair-ar-.htm

I hope it helps and encourages those who read it!

Jenny

@ Matt, thank you for you're response, it was comforting to read. The saddest part in all of it is that I know my mother is very proud of me, I don't doubt that she loves me despite all what I said in my last post, I know she loves me and my siblings, although it doesn't look that way. I think like you say it's the 'old English way' let's not air our dirty linen, she lives way down south and my husband, I and our 4 children live in Scotland now. My sister and I (she is in north England) are out of sight out if mind, it's easier to get on with life without facing our problems and the aftermath of them than it is to do the right thing and try to resolve it with all the arguments and disownment etc others might face as a consequence. She us trying her hardest to live a quiet life. Everything she does is to keep her own life hunky-dory, no matter how much others are suffering, namely her daughters as we are adults and rarely/never see/saw her anyway. She fears losing her sisters and her father if she does voice her opinion, as her whole family know what my grandfather did to my sister (except the perpetrator himself, see poor Grandad is old and couldn't handle it now, at least not as well as he handles his cider everyday, and bookies visits and regular pub days and cash handouts by the family) and I and we were disowned long ago by them which I can live with, a few aunties wishing me to - quote - 'rot in hell' for our lies. But not my mum. She grew me in her belly, got up at 5.30am on christmas day with a big smile on her face when Santa had been, made sure I ate my crusts to make me have 'beautiful curly hair', didnt sleep for two nights watching me in the hospital when I had an operation that had serious complications, held my hand for 26 hours as I delivered my son.... How did it go from THAT to knowingly marry the man that sexually assaulted me when I was pregnant and extremely vulnerable? not speak to the daughter who had to explain her story of abuse at the hands of my mothers father when she was 9 years old, let me go taking her 4 grandchildren with me... All because she would rather keep the company of 2 predators who she must love over 2 lives that she grew in her belly and another 4 that she indirectly helped to create! I didn't think she would let me go that easy, I expected (naively) that by me saying 'look I can't go on like this, I can't pretend everything is normal when you still see these people who have hurt me and my sister so much like it's not a problem - yet the perpetrator of my daughters abuse is sick and twisted and needs locking away for life etc. Why does that not apply to the men that affected my sister and I?' why? Because she loves them, evidently more than us. But I can't accept this as my sisters husband is the one who got to my child but my sister had the strength and courage to go to the police immediately upon discovering this tragedy, so why doesn't my mother have the same values? I'd like to think I am a loving mother, strong willed with extremely strong values and always stand by my principles and that my parents together did a fantastic job of raising me and I thank them both for that. But the minute she met her now husband (whilst still married to my dad) she changed immensely, not for the better, she is selfish and vain, competes with me for some strange reason (weight, looks, intellect etc) it's ridiculous. I want my mother, just not who she is today, the one I had when I was 15. I feel awful saying some of these things but the wounds are fresh, it is all the truth. I do feel guilty though because she has days where she is lovely, like my old mum. But this huge black cloud has destroyed all of it. My husband, I and our children returned to the UK from travelling with the army at the start of May this year, 1 week later was the incident with my daughter then the fallout of everything else has happened since, we moved to make a fresh start from all the bad memories 3 weeks ago and before she 'let me go' I couldn't even bring myself to give her my new contact details because I just couldn't carry on with this whole charade of pretence.

Sorry for rambling on but my husband is bit of a caveman and doesn't know how to deal with emotions and would never listen to this!! The only other two people in the world I can talk to about this is my dad, who is shouldering about a million burdens just now and I fear 1 more could put him in hospital, and my sister who is very traumatised by everything, self harmed, attempted suicide etc I don't want it worrying her. Thanks again for your response, I will take a loom at your site x

Jenny

@ Matt, thank you for you're response, it was comforting to read. The saddest part in all of it is that I know my mother is very proud of me, I don't doubt that she loves me despite all what I said in my last post, I know she loves me and my siblings, although it doesn't look that way. I think like you say it's the 'old English way' let's not air our dirty linen, she lives way down south and my husband, I and our 4 children live in Scotland now. My sister and I (she is in north England) are out of sight out if mind, it's easier to get on with life without facing our problems and the aftermath of them than it is to do the right thing and try to resolve it with all the arguments and disownment etc others might face as a consequence. She us trying her hardest to live a quiet life. Everything she does is to keep her own life hunky-dory, no matter how much others are suffering, namely her daughters as we are adults and rarely/never see/saw her anyway. She fears losing her sisters and her father if she does voice her opinion, as her whole family know what my grandfather did to my sister (except the perpetrator himself, see poor Grandad is old and couldn't handle it now, at least not as well as he handles his cider everyday, and bookies visits and regular pub days and cash handouts by the family) and I and we were disowned long ago by them which I can live with, a few aunties wishing me to - quote - 'rot in hell' for our lies. But not my mum. She grew me in her belly, got up at 5.30am on christmas day with a big smile on her face when Santa had been, made sure I ate my crusts to make me have 'beautiful curly hair', didnt sleep for two nights watching me in the hospital when I had an operation that had serious complications, held my hand for 26 hours as I delivered my son.... How did it go from THAT to knowingly marry the man that sexually assaulted me when I was pregnant and extremely vulnerable? not speak to the daughter who had to explain her story of abuse at the hands of my mothers father when she was 9 years old, let me go taking her 4 grandchildren with me... All because she would rather keep the company of 2 predators who she must love over 2 lives that she grew in her belly and another 4 that she indirectly helped to create! I didn't think she would let me go that easy, I expected (naively) that by me saying 'look I can't go on like this, I can't pretend everything is normal when you still see these people who have hurt me and my sister so much like it's not a problem - yet the perpetrator of my daughters abuse is sick and twisted and needs locking away for life etc. Why does that not apply to the men that affected my sister and I?' why? Because she loves them, evidently more than us. But I can't accept this as my sisters husband is the one who got to my child but my sister had the strength and courage to go to the police immediately upon discovering this tragedy, so why doesn't my mother have the same values? I'd like to think I am a loving mother, strong willed with extremely strong values and always stand by my principles and that my parents together did a fantastic job of raising me and I thank them both for that. But the minute she met her now husband (whilst still married to my dad) she changed immensely, not for the better, she is selfish and vain, competes with me for some strange reason (weight, looks, intellect etc) it's ridiculous. I want my mother, just not who she is today, the one I had when I was 15. I feel awful saying some of these things but the wounds are fresh, it is all the truth. I do feel guilty though because she has days where she is lovely, like my old mum. But this huge black cloud has destroyed all of it. My husband, I and our children returned to the UK from travelling with the army at the start of May this year, 1 week later was the incident with my daughter then the fallout of everything else has happened since, we moved to make a fresh start from all the bad memories 3 weeks ago and before she 'let me go' I couldn't even bring myself to give her my new contact details because I just couldn't carry on with this whole charade of pretence.

Sorry for rambling on but my husband is bit of a caveman and doesn't know how to deal with emotions and would never listen to this!! The only other two people in the world I can talk to about this is my dad, who is shouldering about a million burdens just now and I fear 1 more could put him in hospital, and my sister who is very traumatised by everything, self harmed, attempted suicide etc I don't want it worrying her. Thanks again for your response, I will take a loom at your site x

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Matt

@ Jenny. Glad to help! Hope you liked my site. I'm out of action for a while though as the contact page is linked to my work mail and I was taken ill on the weekend with my appendix. It was sad not to have any wishes at all from mom, but so many others wished me well so no time to mope over it. Small world too as I am also originally from North England, though have been away for a long time. Family's all Southern though.

ike

It hurts too much to talk about... Just breathe

ike

It hurts too much to talk about... Just breathe

shauna

I really appreciate this site. Recently my father has disowned me due to a disagreement with my husband. Bottom line, you just dont disagree with my father on anything. He threw us (myself, husband and two daughters) out of his the night before mothers day. Since he has tried to sabatoge any and all relationships I have with family and friends, including my two teenage step daughters. One of which is not my husbands biological daughter but has raised since she was 2 yrs old. My father has gone to all extremes including taking my husband to court for a restraining order because my father intends to continue his "grandfatherly" relationship with the non biological daughter and is fearful my husband may act out. My father has posted publicly on facebook every mistake I have ever made, exposed our need to be on public assistance for food and has called me every name in the book on there. Since all of this, he has woe'd the daughter my husband helped in raising with buying her everything her little 15yr old heart desires. $100 gift card for birthday, $200 prom dress, $200 in school clothes and even paying for cheer camp. Since May when all of this started she has been over to our house three times and since the court hearing in late july she has called us twice. Its hurtful beyond words how a man that fathered me can be capable of this type of abuse. Its even more hurtful for my husband who has another man sabatoging his relationship with the girl he has called "daughter" for 13 years. It has put a toll on our marriage and I wish evil horrible things against my father. I just don't know how to get past it. there is no forgiveness for what he has done to me and my family. And as far as our daughter, we are at a loss of what to say to her. Other than we love her and we'll never disown her for making a mistake in life, even if this is one of those times. Thank you for this site.

JMWH

I appreciate this article. I've just been disowned by my parents because we stood up to them and refuse to take any more manipulation and guilt trips. I grew up in an environment in which I was starving for approval that I rarely got despite being 'the good daughter'. My life wasn't my own and every aspect of my life was dictated- even down to my major in college. The second I showed any sign of independence, I was squashed with guilt trips and manipulation and I honestly don't think they realize how awful it was. I was forced into mediating my parents arguments from an early age in which they fought in front of me and my brother, screaming and throwing things across the room... all because they thought we should see how married couples argue. My mother had severe depression and I babysat my brother everyday for over 2 years for hours on end while my mom slept on the couch. I took care of dishes, folding and putting up laundry, dusting, etc. more than my mother did my whole childhood. I was the adult and forced to coddle her emotions constantly, so I ended up doing everything that was asked of me and ignoring my own feelings. My step-dad has been just as manipulative because he thinks that respect means that I should never be able to disagree with him. If I ever disagreed with him, I was beat down verbally and forced to apologize. This continued into college.

In college I met my husband, and he actually taught me that it was ok to have my own opinion. That I didn't have to do everything my parents demanded. I married him despite their disapproval and it's the best thing I've ever done. I was stupid enough and damaged enough to want to continue a relationship with my parents after I got married, and it's been 7 years of them insulting my husband and his family because 'they aren't normal', them accusing my husband of being controlling (ha) and brainwashing me to be a quiet little housewife because I refuse to argue with him in public. (But believe me, I hold my own behind closed doors). And last but not least, them 'voicing their opinion' about everything we do over and over again. Moving just 150 miles away? No... if we did that, they wanted us to drive back at least twice a month so they could see my 2 year old son. Because it's too far for them to drive when they have a life to live. And lastly, the straw that broke the camel's back... I'm a bad daughter who doesn't care about them because I didn't let them know my weekend plans 3 weeks in advance or let them watch my son for several days when they've never even been able to watch him more than a 24 hour period at a time without being exhausted. My husband told my dad to quit being so egocentric and be willing to talk through and set some boundaries, and that was grounds for them disowning us. I am mutually disowning them. I want nothing to do with them if they think that behavior like this is acceptable. They act like the entire world revolves around them and that everything should be done to make them happy. I'm not sorry that I AM done trying to make them happy. Time to live my life for my Husband and child, and myself for the first time in my life.

JMWH

I appreciate this article. I've just been disowned by my parents because we stood up to them and refuse to take any more manipulation and guilt trips. I grew up in an environment in which I was starving for approval that I rarely got despite being 'the good daughter'. My life wasn't my own and every aspect of my life was dictated- even down to my major in college. The second I showed any sign of independence, I was squashed with guilt trips and manipulation and I honestly don't think they realize how awful it was. I was forced into mediating my parents arguments from an early age in which they fought in front of me and my brother, screaming and throwing things across the room... all because they thought we should see how married couples argue. My mother had severe depression and I babysat my brother everyday for over 2 years for hours on end while my mom slept on the couch. I took care of dishes, folding and putting up laundry, dusting, etc. more than my mother did my whole childhood. I was the adult and forced to coddle her emotions constantly, so I ended up doing everything that was asked of me and ignoring my own feelings. My step-dad has been just as manipulative because he thinks that respect means that I should never be able to disagree with him. If I ever disagreed with him, I was beat down verbally and forced to apologize. This continued into college.

In college I met my husband, and he actually taught me that it was ok to have my own opinion. That I didn't have to do everything my parents demanded. I married him despite their disapproval and it's the best thing I've ever done. I was stupid enough and damaged enough to want to continue a relationship with my parents after I got married, and it's been 7 years of them insulting my husband and his family because 'they aren't normal', them accusing my husband of being controlling (ha) and brainwashing me to be a quiet little housewife because I refuse to argue with him in public. (But believe me, I hold my own behind closed doors). And last but not least, them 'voicing their opinion' about everything we do over and over again. Moving just 150 miles away? No... if we did that, they wanted us to drive back at least twice a month so they could see my 2 year old son. Because it's too far for them to drive when they have a life to live. And lastly, the straw that broke the camel's back... I'm a bad daughter who doesn't care about them because I didn't let them know my weekend plans 3 weeks in advance or let them watch my son for several days when they've never even been able to watch him more than a 24 hour period at a time without being exhausted. My husband told my dad to quit being so egocentric and be willing to talk through and set some boundaries, and that was grounds for them disowning us. I am mutually disowning them. I want nothing to do with them if they think that behavior like this is acceptable. They act like the entire world revolves around them and that everything should be done to make them happy. I'm not sorry that I AM done trying to make them happy. Time to live my life for my Husband and child, and myself for the first time in my life.

Raya

Hey everyone. I just was told by my mother that I was no longer her daughter and she was no longer my mother. The "reason" she came to this decision because I eloped without telling anyone. And no, the man I married is a wonderful man who they like. It's about control; control that they weren't involved. It's irrational and stupid to think my parents would do this. I am glad to see I am not the only one who was brought up abused (emotional and mental).

Gloria

I was disowned by my family after telling them about the sexual abuse that occurred by my father during my childhood. I am in a marriage that is unhappy and I have no friends and now I have no family. I feel so abandoned and lonely. I feel like I have nobody who truely loves me unconditionally. I will be ok just like I always have been but everyday my loneliness reminds me that I am alone and my heart is broken.

Gloria

I was disowned by my family after telling them about the sexual abuse that occurred by my father during my childhood. I am in a marriage that is unhappy and I have no friends and now I have no family. I feel so abandoned and lonely. I feel like I have nobody who truely loves me unconditionally. I will be ok just like I always have been but everyday my loneliness reminds me that I am alone and my heart is broken.

Matt

@ Gloria

I'm really sorry that this has all happened to you. But the good news is that you are NOT alone! You have God in Heaven who loves you no matter what. From my side, I never believed in Him when I grew up, and throughout the years, as my father was in another country and wasn't really involved in my life, and my mother was telling me how bad and useless I was, it was very lonely. Plus I was in a foreign country and battled to make friends, suffered racism, it wasn't nice. I felt like I had to raise myself up because those around me were breaking me down; but above all I desperately longed to be loved - but I felt like nobody loved me at all. Later on I found my wife and moved to yet another country, so I had love but I was still battling with a father who could never be there and a mother who only had bad things to say about me. I was always trying to gain her approval, but nothing would ever make her happy and it was always so disappointing. I was full of hurt, anger, bitterness and even though I was married to a lovely woman, I felt lonely and unloved. I battled to make friends so I felt extra lonely!

But eventually I learned that there is a God, who loves us unconditionally. For all the bad things I've done with my life, He still loves me and blesses me. As I went through a rough patch and felt truly alone and useless, it was my faith in Him that got me out of it and since then I've prospered in life. And that's nothing, because God loves us so much that He sent His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, who died to pay for our sins. All we have to do is accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour and then God guarantees us a spot in Heaven for that, just for that! Now THAT is infinite, unconditional love sister! And I share this because I have also been in that position where I felt nobody loved me, where people even hated me, and truly wondered why I should bother staying alive. But God's out there, waiting for you to know Him, and with a God like this, how can one ever feel lonely ever again?

Anyway, in case it helps, I've shared my whole disowning story on my website. In September I was finally disowned by my mother, but instead of getting upset and lonely, as I otherwise would, I just took it to the Lord and instead of being upset, I want to use my experiences to help others who have also suffered disownment. I pray for my mother every day, that one day she will come right.

My disownment testimony: http://deanministries.page.tl/Disowned-f--Do-Not-Despair-ar-.htm

Greetings from South Africa!

Adrian

I am a parent of two girls or rather women. I am sane and not abusive. I treated both girls the same. They are both adults now and have nothing to do with each other. In fact they despise each other. The fact is my elder daughter is just plain nasty and vicious. To her sister, he rmother and me. She has had two boyfirends arrested for "abuse" and has called the police on her mother a number of times for various reasons. I want nothing more to do with her. i am seriously thinking of disowning her so that when I kick thre proverbial bucket she will not be able to contest the will in which I will leave her nothing. I have all the time in the world for my younger daughter who is sensitive, caring and appreciative of what we have done as parents. I should point out that my view of my daughter is shared by a number of other people who have fallen foul of her bad temper and abuse. Please do not blame parents all the time....I have supported her for 27 years and am now giving up and have no intention of seeing her ever again if I can help it. Sad, but enough is enough....parents also have lives to live.

Shanelle

I too was disowned 1.5yrs ago by my mum and my dad only has a little contact with me as my mum pulls the strings. It was pretty much that she disagreed with who I was marrying & refused to come to the wedding unless I changed the date to a time that suited her. We stood up to her & refused to change our plans. So she didn't come to the wedding & sent me a nasty letter after the wedding disowning me & claiming I had made my husband hate her & she can't have anything to do with me. Rage doesn't even begin to describe what I felt when she had put me through hell for so much of our relationship & she had always been so cold towards my husband & tried to get me to leave him on several occasions - yet I'm the one who made him hate her. My husband & I are now expecting our first child, and I thought maybe this would offer a chance for some kind of reconcilliation. How wrong was I - she wants nothing to do with her first grandchild. I don't think I'll ever get over being disowned, but I know I can cope & just look forward to having our own family to concentrate all my attention on.

Jarrod

Wow. So I originally posted a while ago and I'm amazed (not really) at how everything is Mom and Dads fault. Adrian, I feel you pain and understand your situation. I am disowning my ingrate daughter to lessen my legal exposure. My other two children and two step children appreciate my sacrifice and commitment to them. As for the poster that stated "God loves unconditionally"', you may want to check that entitlement mentality, it doesn't apply to Gods love, he demands that you be accountable for your actions!

Jason

Jarrod this is a place for people who, through no fault of their own, have been disowned by their family. My parents disowned me in favor of drugs, and that was after years of horror and abuse. And yes, that was their choice and definitely their fault. I take insult to your comments, and I will explain why.

You clearly demonstrate your total lack of comprehension of other's situations by trying to compare what you read here to the conflict between yourself and your daughter. From what I've read, she's better off without you. And believe you me, your other children are playing you. What brother or sister, under any circumstances, would allow their sibling to be cast astray?

P.S. -- The good book you so eloquently misquoted also states, "Judge not, for Ye shall be judged". Seems like you might have missed that one... Please keep your posts to yourself, until you can learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes. A better question to ask might be this: What might be causing your daughter's "ingrate behavior"?

Ike

Adrian, your circumstance is different. Don't use your circumstance as a basis of judgement for the people who come here to find closure, comfort, and release. That's what this page gave to me. Many people spend an entire lifetime trying to figure out what they did wrong, trying to understand why they've gone through what they've gone through. Apparently, your parents didn't disown you, and you don't know how it feels like, or what it feels like, even if you were told. All you know is how your own experience with your daughter feels like, but if you foot can't fit my shoe how would you know how my shoe feels like from the inside.

For several years I had a feeling but could never bring myself to know that the reason for my own personal trauma, in a household where I had blood siblings had more to do with things that happened between my parents before I was born. I never understood why I was disliked, It never occurred to me that it may have absolutely nothing to do with me. The things I understood were the tangibles of the conflict but never the understanding, it is a pain and burden that saps at the spirit of ones heart, A cross not easily shared. Please find a site that addresses your particular issue. This site doesn't address yours, but don't berate others who need closure in their lives by opening up old wounds that need healing. You do us all a disservice, if you have no love to give us, please do give us neither your hate nor spite. Thank you.

adrianriviera

Wow!! If you read my comments I am talking about MY situation and did not judge anyone else's situation. How can I judge you anyway and if I did have any right to judge, how could I judge people I do not know?? But you all want to judge me. Well, let me make it very easy for you to judge and condemn at the same time....I am an atheist...there that explains every thing. I hope you all come to terms with your individual problems just as I hope to come to terms with mine and I do not need to believe in God to be fully aware that I am accountable for my actions. Ethics and morality are not reeligious concepts.

Jason

Adrian, nobody here is judging you. And on the same token, this is not an "Atheist-come-out-of-the-closet" site. If you have religious issues, try clicking here: http://atheism.about.com/od/aboutatheism/p/whynotbelieve.htm

This is a great site, and has done a lot of good for me and others.

Ike, I think you hit the nail on the head. The more I think about my own situation, the more I realize I was "shut out" for reasons that had nothing to do with "me". Everybody has their own agenda, and tossing me to the curb was nothing more than self-preservation.

In my father's case: Easier to toss me out than face child abuse charges.

In my sibling's case: Easier to toss me out than lose their place in the family will.

Strange. You'd think after being hit with 2 x 4's, punched in the face and molested (all at the age of 8) your siblings might remember the hell you went through. I've found it's not the case. When given the opportunity, I've found that siblings will actually defend child abuse for their own personal gain.

It truly is a sick world. I am glad there are other people out there who know the tribulations I go through, even if I can't see a face.

Jason

Oh, one more thing:

Adrian, this is not a place for you. I'm sure you have your reasons, but you're posting is offensive to people here. I (and many others) would appreciate it if you deleted your post.

I mean really, did you think of anyone besides yourself before you posted here?

adrianriviera

Calling me an atheist "coming out of the closet" is a judgement and there are judgements in all the posts. You do not know me and certainly do not know how open I am with my atheism. I only bring up my atheism because other posters bring up religion and God. Had I not been qouted "God"you would have no idea that I was an atheist since it is not part of the issue at hand. I am glad this site is good for some of you. I hope you get over your trauma and live happy lives as I intend to do. I was hoping this site would be good for me too, but since the only victims can ever be those being disowned, I think I will move on and continue to cope on my own. Thank you.

adrianriviera

The censorship police! I rjust sent a post saying I did not think this forum was the place for me even though all I have done is talk about my personal problem and I was not going to post any more, but now I have been told [underline] to not post any more, I think I will hang around.

Jason

Adrian, please go away. You're not wanted here.

By the way, how does it feel to be disowned?

SadStepmom

Myself and my children were dis-owned by my 22 y.o. step daughter almost a year ago and my poor 10 year old daughter is still crying herself to sleep. Although I don't even know her reasons, I accept now after a year of trying everything, that there is nothing I can do about it... but my heart is broken for the children, her half brother and sister! Their father (my husband) won't even bring up the subject with her for fear of being disowned as well, the little contact she will allow by text only. I just pray that somehow I can help the children understand that it is not them and that it won't affect their future self esteem.

Sunshine in FLorida

@ Adrian,it is funny how you generalize. I cant imagine hating my own child for any reason. I don't care if she has a disease, behavioral issues, is a criminal, has done something ethically or morally wrong, even if she is the worst person I ever meet alive. Rather it sounds like her behavior is a reflection of your hatred towards her. Perhaps you should learn patience, love, kindness, forgiving, being supportive, and toss your hatred to the curb.Only spineless creature could hate their own child. I agree that maybe you two could both benefit from a lot of counseling and/or therapy.

Sunshine in FLorida

@ Adrian,it is funny how you generalize. I cant imagine hating my own child for any reason. I don't care if she has a disease, behavioral issues, is a criminal, has done something ethically or morally wrong, even if she is the worst person I ever meet alive. Rather it sounds like her behavior is a reflection of your hatred towards her. Perhaps you should learn patience, love, kindness, forgiving, being supportive, and toss your hatred to the curb.Only spineless creature could hate their own child. I agree that maybe you two could both benefit from a lot of counseling and/or therapy.

Jason

@Sunshine, thank you for your post. I think you hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I think if everyone shared your view, the world would be a much better place!

Becky

Why would you bring a child into the world only to abandon it? Parenting doesn't just involve the happy things. There are many parents who have had to show endless patience, love and forgiveness - and were eventually rewarded when their child wanted to change.

Sometimes a lot of things go unsaid. Maybe the child is unhappy with their upbringing - what parents think is enough time, love and attention isn't always the case. It's not always obvious what causes them to go off the rails. A family can seem close and yet still not feel comfortable talking about what makes them unhappy.

My father, however, didn't disown me on the basis that I was a criminal, or a drug user, or anything like that. I was a good kid. He did it because he could, and because he 'never wanted me in the first place'. I am undoubtably better off without him, but nothing fills the void a father leaves behind.

Sun Shine in FLorida

Dear Becky,

Abandonment and Disowning are completly different. If a parent doesnt have a child in their life for the childs almost whole life "by choice" they are abandoned. That is one thing yes it can hurt just as deeply as Disowning.

Disowning takes place when a parent has had been in a childs life all of their life and once they make a choice in life lets say a different lifestyle, religious, sexual orientation, politics, etc. Or anything else the parent feels so darn strong about they break off the relationship in order to isolate you, make you feel punished or rejected for. Is way different it is a form of psycological abuse to assert their will on you to force you to be wht they want. Some do it just for the trill I think. Even some people never stop this behavior even if the child "conforms" to their wishes.

In some cases, some parents benifit economically by disowning a child who has a versital lifestyle. They exploit it, let say the fact some one isnt the best parent to their kids, so instead of loving support and helping get their child help, they criminalize them and get custody of their child so they can get goverment benifits or child support. This is something that happens all the time. People do exploit their own children for financial gains. In the process disown their child.

Basicly using the validation of a parent as a weapon against their own child. That is extreamly sick!

But in your case it sounds like your father was never in your life. There could be many reasons for that. Maybe he had no option to be in your life. A lot of times, custody battles insue and the man jsut cant win because the system is stacked against him for what ever reason, maybe he cant afford to get an attorney and go to court......that is usually the case. It cost around. $15, ooo for a retainer fee in a child custody dispute. A lot of times it is the mother and mothers family that exploit the fathers rights and the child grows up thinking its all the fathers fault. When the reality is the mother was just a bitch...(excuse my language here) But yeah...that is also very sick to do to a child.

Maybe you should look into the reasons your father was never in your life to begin with.

My parents disowned me slowly. My actual mom died when I was four. My Dad took care of me for 2 yrs and we were great together. Then he married my stepmom and they had a son. Me and my sister got pushed out slowly. Strange thing is, I knew there was something wrong, but I didn't realize exactly what was happening till I was 31 yrs old.

Like Gloria (few posts before) I am now without friends or family. Thankfully we grew up in a rich country for the first 15 yrs of my life. I knew a lot of people who listened to my troubles and were nice to me. But the next 15 yrs I got dumped in our original poor country and Dad just said no to money for food and rent, making me quit my engg course. My rich upbringing and good friendships I experienced early in life kept me going, though. I have a job and can take care of myself... though I am stuck in a poor country where I did not grew up and am completely alone.

But my sister went the whole other way. She was regularly abused and stepmom just stood there watching, never saying a word. My sister never complains, unlike me. She actually sides with my parents and acts all smiley for everyone. As a result she got a huge dowry when she got into a Dad-arranged marriage.

I am stuck here alone while their son is now 24 yrs old and has been given every kind of convenience and now made the manager of my Dad's company in the Middle East, while I struggle in a third world country.

I really don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything I can do. Maybe I realized too late or maybe I adapted to it long back. I love my Dad because the two years we lived together is one of the fondest childhood memories I have. I can't remember my mom at all. I'm not the kind to go ask for money from them if they don't really care about me.

 

it looks like it\'s been awhile since someone has posted on this subject...

but I will l post anyway..

Gloria you are not alone...

believe me you have a tough path to follow...

I was disowned by my family as well trying to talk about the sexual abuse I suffered from BOTH

parents...

it is very painful.. and I have come to the conclusion that the pain from being disowned is worse 

being raped as a child...

it cuts deep...

I take it one day at a time...

one breathe.. sometimes...

god give you strength in you hour of darkness for some day Gloria you will look back and be happy 

you were strong and built your own life without the people who disowned you..

I have several people in my life that have \"adopted\" me as well.. and they are family..

bless you,

alice

This actually quite nice to see, not that anyone is being disowned (as i myself was) but that i am not the only one and that are people with geniune and intelligent advice.

Being disowned is indeed a difficult faze of your life but as i say it is a faze, this is something that is in your mind that you can't cope or survive and need them. Well simply answer you don't. Throwing away your childhood and those you learned to love from the first instance you came to this earth is hard. But these people do not care about you, they are selfish and want to control you hence why they give you the ultimatum because really they want you to choose.

My family are muslim (typical right) and i am with a caucasian man who loves me dearly and has been my sole supporter his family have accepted me but put me down when they can (so i am envious of those who have cool in laws who are geniune and not the bitch from hell).

My family did not disown me for being with my partner but for defying them and leading to live a western life.

FACT- Born, bred in the UK the only way of life i know is western.

But i always say i have the person i need and want the rest are irrevelant.

I am general a postive, upbeat person so i tend not to let life's little dramas get me down as what doesn't killer you makes you stronger, being disowned definitely apply's to this.

So please all you disownee take it with a pinch of salt and maybe tequila as lifes too short and aslong as your true to who you are and happy that is all that matters.

Some call it selfish I call it LIVING! :)

Mwah!

I am a 52 year old married woman with 2 college age children. Over Christmas my dad decided my sister in law and I were conspiring to get "run off" his wife (he remarried 7 years after my mom passed away). His wife is a very nice woman that I enjoy however we are not close and do not live nearby. My dad and I have always been very close so this accusation came out of left field for me. In the end he disowned me. I am hurt and bewildered. He is 76 so of course I am worried about his health since this was so out of character.  He would not listen to reason. My children miss their relationship with him. The grief and pain I feel is immense But I am not willing to feel it all over again so I have not made contact with him. Letting go is like death. 

I feel for each and every one of you. Reading your stories has helped me to cope with what happened to my family yesterday. My husband was disowned by his father by phone. He said that he felt broken in two. It really was completely unexpected. His dad has always been on his side since his mom told him that he was no longer her son. It was the last thing he thought his dad would say when he called him up after several months. It affects all of the family because we had planned to move to my husband's homeland where his parents live and now they want nothing to do with us. I know his dad is very harsh and strict so it seems that we are really cut off for good.

Luckily my parents are still available in my life. I couldn't even imagine them disowning me. I mainly just want to be there for my husband during this tough time. I know there is a process to his healing and that it will take time but there has to be hope somewhere. I think these are the defining moments in our lives that really make us better people if we learn to continue and push forward and become better human beings. Personally I feel motivated to fight harder through life's tough times and to do more for my kids and for the future of our family.

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